Sunday, December 18, 2005

More of something I didn't type before.

I want to make a movie about me
so that people can know the way I think
and perhaps why I am the way I am
but why do I want that?

I don't know.

I wish I could organize my brain like I can my computer.
I wish I would organize my computer.

When I type, I use spaces.
I t b r e a k s u p t h e w o r d s .

I want to know how to control my mind like a sound man mixes on the board.
How powerful could I be if I had the ability to live out my potential.

I want to write everything a d n thi g, to live a life that seems productive.
But productive in what way?
To invlove the world? To change it? Make it better?
Or to further the Kingdom of God.
I know which is the nobler goal.
My full desires are not yet known.
And temptation has not yet subsided.

God gives sleep to those He loves.
Yet we are not supposed to love it.
We are to love as God loves, and if we love to be comfortable...
God does not love comfort. He wouldn't die for Himself to be comfortable.
He died for us. He loves us. And we ought to love one another
because He loves us. We ought to put our lives down or each other
so that we may not be slaves to sin, but sons of righteousness.

Do you want to do things because they're right? Or do you want to do right things because God rewards righteousness. I believe that God rewards righteousness because He is Just (not to mention merciful and graceful for bringing us to a place of righteousness in the first place) and not to entice us to do good.

Us doing good is not God's goal. It is just what happens when we have a good relationship with God. And that is what He wants.

I also want to write on the Trinity and Service as an overflow of the heart and advice vs. help

My dad thinks that since I read the Bible, that I'm going to become a Minister or Reverend or Pastor. I'm not saying that God won't make me, but I don't see that happening. If God has that in store for me, He has hidden it from my foresight. Perhaps I should write about foresight too... oh and how ignoreing people causes ignorance and that ignorance is not an excuse because it is willful. I could site 1 Samuel 15 for that one.

I have the desire to teach the truths of God. I do not have the desire to build and pastor a church. I do not have the desire to hear complaints and accept them as reasons. I have a desire for truth, and the truth is, that God is everything. And if you don't believe in Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, life for you is worse than the illusion you have of death. I call it an illusion because when a non-Christian dies, the hope is gone because the age uncertainty is past. You cannot have faith in something you can see. I know that this means that as it stands now, people I love, of my own family, are going to hell. And there seems to be nothing I can do to convince them otherwise. It's not my job, to turn them. It's my job to be there to point them in the right direction when they do turn.

But from now till then is uncertain. And as long as I am uncertain, it is difficult to see their repentance. Until I can see, I must have faith. Without faith, all I have is blindness.

It makes sense more if you don't think about it.

So don't think... ask.

Friday, December 02, 2005


Have you ever known that you have an idea, but it hasn't come to you yet? It's like the idea split up in different pieces and is traveling to you in different media. The part that travels by television arrives first, then internet, then magazine or book or mail or whatever. I just don't have a full picture yet... It's like those stupid 3d puzzles you stare at and are supposed to see the picture. I never see it. Anyway, enough about me... how are you?

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Home for the holidays, one holiday at a time.

I am visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. My work ( gave me the week off of work so I could spend more time with my family. I took my dad to chruch this morning. I found a small church online. Calvary Chapel Livermore seems to have a congregation of about 25 and the Pastor (Mike) used to be a cop in Stockton. He teaches the Word of God straight from the Bible and the church activities consist of Bible Study, prayer, and fellowship (with food). Seems like a good church to me. I walked in the sactuary and immedietly felt like home. I even knew the words to the songs. (overhead) My dad seemed to be a little restless through the message, but did stay around and talk some afterwards. I'm praying that he'll want to go even when I'm not here but I don't think that will happen just yet. On the up side, I've found a place where I know I can go and worship and fellowship when I'm in the bay area on a Sunday morning. Coming home usually consists of a dry spiritual time because I spent so many years here as a non-Christian. It's way too easy to fall back in those "let's not make waves" tendencies. If it wasn't for my family, I wouldn't really come back here at all.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Who say that God doesn't answer prayers?

I've been praying lately to get up earlier so that I can get to work
earlier, and this morning, five minutes before my alarm went off, I
had a bloody nose. It got me up. God is very creative, I wouldn't
have thought He would answer my prayer this way. I wonder what He'll
do tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


A friend of mine just called from Seattle. She wanted to tell me an idea she had for a story. Her enthusiasm inspired my interest in a story I started a while back and put away "for now" which means a long time. I want to start that up again, but I have a problem... I'm lazy and I have a big hurtlke to get over before I can carry on. It will take a few hours at least, maybe evben many. What I need to do is set aside a day... maybe saturday, to get over it. After that, it is just a few pages a day, and not even everyday. If you know me, please try to keep me accountable to this. If I can get this all done in a day (or significantly started) the inertia should carry me quite a ways. Also, I had a cool dream last night, check it out in my dream blog.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Happy Tuesday

Okay, so it is officially Wednesday, but I've been extremely productive the past couple of days. I wasn't at the top of my game, but it has been a big improvement over the last few weeks. So what happened...? Well let's trace it backwards. Today I worked a full eight hours without taking a break. I got a lot done. It was busy at work too. Before that, I well... I slept in, like always. But yesterday (Halloween), I worked three jobs. I woke up and worked at my computer job till five-thirty, then I babysat till after ten, then I answered emails for another job that I'm doing temporary. After that I went to bed. Sunday I went to church, came back and slept. Saturday was Babysitting, movie editing, go to dinner at someone's house. I don't remember Friday... oh yeah, I worked and went to dinner with some people and worshipped with others.


I think that what keeps me going is being busy. It's okay to rest, but I have to earn it. God created the universe in six days and rested on the seventh. I should follow his example and rest once I have worked hard, not just when I feel like it. That allows me to be lazy. I've discovered that I like to sleep in no matter what time I go to bed, so instead, I'm just going to work hard until I can't stay awake any longer. If I can force myself, or find accountability, to get up in the mornings, that time should be earlier and earlier until I'm on a normal person's schedule. If I need it, I'll have sundays to rest... except the 13th. I'm babysitting.

So I wonder how hard I should work? I mean, should I schedule myself to work so much that I would have to rely on God to perform daily miracles to keep me going? Or should I just sign up for a moderate load and thank God for not making me do it. It's not for the money. I have enough working 30 hours a week at my computer job. It's just that other people need help, or there are oppurtunities that I can tap into.
1) I do not want to give up the computer job. Not only is it good money for easy (physically speaking) work. I want to keep up the thirty hours a week. Not only does it give me a finacial base, but if I work less than thirty hours, the outgoing outnumbers the incoming, and the business sufficates. I'm not saying that it will die without me, but others would have to cease or at least sacrifice part of their education to keep it alive. They hired me so they wouldn't have to do that. I also listen to the Bible on mp3 and sermons while I work. Working alone gives you that freedom. I've grown a lot while packing boxes.
2) I first took up babysitting because I wasn't making enough money to live off of. I made enough to pay the bills, but not enough to eat, so I took up babysitting. I babysit this kid who has two parents that both work in retail. This means working nights and weekends on a regular basis. When they are both scheduled, I babysit. I've been doing it for about three and a half years. They could have built the temple of Solomon in that time. I feel sorry for the kid because he spends a lot of time without one or both of his parents. I don't want to quit that job because I don't want the kid to think that peopole are going to leave him behind because they found something better. That makes me think of something else. If I remember, I'll address it later. If I forget, remind me. I also have learned a lot about my relationship with God while taking care of a child who isn't my biological son. I've learned what it means to love someone who only cares about satisfying his own desires, no matter how short or shallow they are. He's a kid. I know that he's imperfect, and has not learned yet that the world isn't about getting what you want. Or at least life isn't. (He didn't like how I made him carry his own bag on Holloween.)
3) I'm taking care of my friend's business. It's just answering his cell phone and emails, explaining that he's gone and scheduling meetings for him when he gets back and such. I'm learning how to be humble, to accept others responsibilities on myself and their problems, so they can go off and spend a great time in their new found love and in the presence of the Lord. (They just got married and are on their honeymoon.) I'm not bitter about this at all, but am gladly facing what they should so they can take the time to enjoy each other in the Lord. I'm working so they don't have to, and that brings a joy beyond any work that I am doing.
4) My parents (mom) have been asking me about moving on with my life, ie finding a better job and... well... we'll stick with the job thing for now. We had previously talked about me becoming a sub because that only takes one test and I don't wnat to go back to school right now. (I honestly don't want to go back unless I can afford it on my own). I was introduced to a teacher that runs a homeschool next door to my computer job. They use subs. I've been advised by a couple people to think about that as a viable option. I've thought about it before, but put aside as not important for now.
5)Barnes andNoble has asked me to come back for at least 10 hours a week. They are behind (as typical this time of year) and the guy who took my place got a better job and is leaving for that. I care about the people at Barnes and Noble and want to help them out, but I don't know if I should.

I am praying for wisdom on when to say yes and when to say no. I love to say yes and be the hero that goes in and saves someone. I dream about it all the time. I don't want to do it out of pride. I don't want to try to do more than God allows me to handle. I want to be a blessing, but I know I can't if I try to do everything on my own strength. Please pray for me. I don't know what to do.

The other thing I said that I was going to write about later:
I want to be bolder with my family about Jesus. I do not want them to think I abandoned them for something better. Jesus is better, but I am not abandoning my family. I'm being the first. The first to step aboard the ship that will save us and saying that everything on board is good. I am going to go home for Thanksgiving for a whole week. I want that time to be spent as a mission trip. My focus is on my father. He is retired, watches televison all day, goes to bed earlier, sleeps in later, takes naps, smokes more, drinks more. Exercises consist of walking the dog to the street corner and back twice a day if the wether is nice. That's his life. He's not old. Not supposed to be. I believe that he's the first one to focus on. I don't want to say why. Let's just say that day dreams and visions and fantasies are not always pleasant. Please pray for him. Please pray or me.

Remind me sometime to write a blog called looking ahead.


I hvae a spllenig defishancy.


I have two elbows... one on each arm.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The past week

Wow... it's been awhile since I told you (world) what I have been doing. Not that you (world) care, but I want to put it out there anyway, like radio transmissions in space, on forever and ever probably never, but possibly being picked up on by a higher form of life. Now after that butchered sentence, let's move on to what the ... what was I talking about? I don't remember...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I want to be more...

I think that I've transformed from busyJon to lazyJon. I don't want to be lazyJon, but I spent my mornings fighting with myself to get out of bed and I don't know where my evenings go. I have a lot of projects that I want to do, but none of them get done. I don't even go grocery shopping anymore.

I want to be more purposeful with my time. That doesn't mean that I have to be doing something every second or have every moment planned, but lie Jesus used every moment He had to either pray or minister, I want to do the same. This doesn't mean that I'm going to go preaching in the streets. I don't think God's calling me to that. It means more time on this computer writing and creating something that God will use to bless others and me in the process. I've been wanting to for a while, but I put it off until later.

My excuse is that I have to go to bed early so I can wake up early. That hasn't been working. I just sleep more. Well... I'm deciding to stay up until I'm too tired to type. Then I'll go to bed for a short amount of sleep and still try to get up early. If my body has a problem with that, it will just have to make me more tired earlier. Then maybe I'll have a normal sleep schedule. Naturally, I get tired at four and wake at noon. Everytime I have the flexability, I fall to that schedule. Should I fight or go with it? My job says I should fight.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Blogging absence

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. Here's what's happening in my life:

I work mostly by myself, but I really enjoy people and I gain energy through interaction with people. So after work I find friends to hang out with and by the time that's done, it's time to go to sleep. I don't want to stay up super late because I already have a hard time getting up in the mornings. On top of that, I am also taking care of someone's business while they are away on their honeymoon. It's a new job for me... Temporary Business Management. I've also climbed a mountain and attended a wedding. More on that later.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Today, tomorrow, tired

Lots of things have been happening lately, I just haven't been writing them down. I am not going to write most of them because they have already been filed. Every so often (usually nightly) I sort out the day. It gets lost in my mind and the events no longer happened that day, but just some time before. My brain sorts things by association, which isn't strange or unusual. The only thing is... the associations hardly ever have to do with time.

Anyway, a friend of mine woke me up today. I didn't like it but it was good. Another friend says he wants to meet with me early on Friday. A bit of an incentive to get up early... We'll see if it works.

I'm tired... I'm going to stop typing now.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Well... the morning thing was a bust.

And I don't mean heads and shoulders, nor am I talking about shampoo... I have the hardest times getting up inthe mornings. Every solution I find only seems to be temperary because I adapt and sleep through whatever alarm it is I set. Also, if I do wake up, I often talk myself into sleeping a few more minutes and well... a few minutes turn into a few hours and well... it's lunchtime before I know it.
I have been advised to go to bed earlier. This is a nice idea, but in practice, it doesn't work. I just sleep longer. My body would love to sleep ten or twleve hours a day if I let it. There is just something about high noon, though, and the grumble grumble of my stomach that gets me going.
It's been hot here lately, and I love sleeping in the heat. I also dread getting up in the cold.
The Bible says not to love sleep, nut it also says that God gives sleep to those He loves. Boy do I feel loved.

On another, sadder note, like an "F-flat" or something, a friend of mine is leaving me. Well... she's not just leaving me, she's leaving everyone fora job five hours away. She isn't leaving until Saturday, but her goodbye party was tonight and I don't expect to see her again before she leaves. I'm happy for her, and her new job sounds wonderful, and God has just laid everything out in front of her. We know it's His will... and I praise Him for that. I'll just miss her, that's all. We all will. The only ones who won't are going to be the other Softball teams in the league who won't have to go running after the balls she's hit or won't be out because she catches the ball at first.
For anyone who doesn't know me, it wasn't like we were dating or anything. We were just friends. On Tuesday, I was able to schedule myself in on hte long line of friends that she hung out with her last week here. She invited me to climb Bishop's Peak with her before we went to dinner. We went up fast and I was surprised that she pushed so hard. We had a good talk at the top about death (what else is there to talk about up there?) as we watched the clouds envelope San Luis Obispo and we watched the sun set behind the clouds. We saw deer and turkeys and squirrels and lizards and vultures. We almost ran down the entire mountain and had a big dinner. Then we watched a movie with some other friends. Shadowlands. She fell asleep on my floor, covered in a pink blanket with her glasses on.
So you might be sasking what my feelings are for her. Sasking is what people do when they ask questions already expecting a certain answer. Either that or they mispell the work asking. work... I mean word. My fingers are getting sleepy. So, about feelings... I don't know. I know what some people think I feel, and what they have been hinting at or use to be hinting at with the inflections of their voice. But I prayed about it and God has bigger plans for her. That was two years ago when I first met her.
Earlier, at the goodbye party, we were asked for first impressions. I couldn't remember at the time, but thining about it now, I remember sitting next to her in the cramped backseat of my friends car. It was winter and I was wearing a thick jacket, but even so, I could feel her breathing through the side. She was talking about how she likes guys who talk more. I didn't say a word. Not because I wanted to be on her bad side, I just couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't stupid and/or pointless.
I also remember her being impressed by some guy telling her the crazy stunts he's tried to pull before and hurt or almost hurt himself in the process. I was surprised that she was impressed. I wasn't. I also remember driving her and another girl home from a Bible Study, and listening to her explain how to listen to God to this other girl. That was awesome.
In conclusion, even if I was admitting feelings, which I'm not, because I'm a guy and according to page 352 of the manual, we don't have feelings because we're tough... yeah, tough... she is a very impressive girl in many ways, and no matter what I may or may not feel, I'm not enough.

Thursday, October 06, 2005


I woke up at 8:45 this morning. Exactly. My alarm clock did not go off.
It was perfect. I have been having a hard time getting up in the
morning, but this time was easy because I had to go to the bathroom. I
have been wanting to read and write a bit before work, but I don't want
to get up earlier, and I don't want to go to work later because that
means I stay later and by the time I get off, all my friends have eaten
dinner and I only have a couple of hours before I'm supposed to go to
bed so I can wake up early the next day. Besides, if I'm not there
early, no one will answer the phone and I have to deal with people who
are angry because they live on the east coast. They might also be angry
because to them, it's ten in the morning, and what business isn't open
at ten in the morning... hmm... perhaps businesses in California aren't
because it's seven here and well... I'm sorry, I lost my train of
thought. seven in the morning is just a... I'm sorry. I forgot what I
was going to say. It's just that the thought of seven in the morning
is... never mind.

So, with my schedule the way it is, and my current responsibilities the
way they are, the best way to read and write before I go to work is to
get up even earlier. I don't know how early. I don't want to get up
early, but I can't think of anyway around. Getting up more than fifteen
minutes before I have to be somewhere is going to take a lot of
discipline. I don't know if I have enough... we'll see.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Jehovah's Witnesses part 2

So they came back. They came and I was in bed, trying to weasel five
more minutes out of the day. I heard the doorbell, but didn't get up
because I thought my roommate Josh was expecting someone. I heard him
answer the door and I could tell from the voices that the Jehovah's
Witnesses were back again. I prayed as I threw on some sweats and made
my presence known behind Josh, who had the door open a crack and poked
his head through. They (the Jehovah's Witnesses) were talking about the
Kingdom that God's going to set up on Earth and asked Josh to read from
Daniel. I started talking about how Jesus said that His kingdom was not
of this earth or His servants would be fighting and how John the
Baptist said, "Repent, for the Kingdom of God is near." I asked if they
believed that by near, they thought he meant over 200 years in he
future. They said yes. We said more stuff, but what I noticed was that
she wasn't trying to convince me. He attention kept trying to tear
itself back to my roommate, who I'm sure was thinking. "I need a
shower." She pushed to have a time to come back and talk to Josh. She
tried to set up a time but he doesn't know when he will be available.
(Praise God)
Honestly, I don't think I said everything that I should have, but I
don't think that I said anything that I shouldn't. I felt God's
presence there and as I made my presence known behind Josh, I'm sure
that the Jehovah's Witness (the one that I could see, the other one
wasn't in my frame of vision.) felt God's presence. I could see it in
her eyes. I'm asking for prayer, of anyone who reads this, that if they
do come back, I will be ready to do what God has in store for me. I
think it would be easier if I was home alone when they came back, so
they wouldn't be distracted by trying to convert my roommate and have
no choice than to listen to me or leave. Please pray that I am bold and
truly relate God's truth, both His Word and His Love to these people.
Since they are still alive, roaming this earth, I can't help but think
that God hasn't given up on them yet, so they need the Gospel. They
know the Gospel, but they need to accept it as something more than
background knowledge or history. They need to understand that our God
is a personable God and we are not here on earth to work to obtain
citizenship in the Kingdom God's setting up, but that we who believe
are already citizens in Heaven. Pray for my roommate. If they do come
back, it will be for him, and not for me. I gave him a good fair
warning about them after they left. I gave him a Bible verse to look up
later (2 John Verse 7) and I've been praying for him ever since. I
don't know how strong he is in his trust in God. Please pray for both
of us. He did take that shower.

Last time I left the conversation with a comma, and this time I left
it with a period. My roommate left it with a comma so they're back. I
want them to come back, so I can end it with an exclamation mark.

Jonathan Dow
Product Fulfillment Specialist
PB FixIt

Friday, September 30, 2005

Tell me a Joke

Today, I was eating "Chinese food"(notice the quotation marks) at Panda Express and I was speaking with a friend who shall not me named. For anonymity purposes, we will call him by a generic name... what about Mike K.
Now that we have that settled, Mike K. and I were talking about how our fortune cookies didn't have fortunes and how fun of a job it would be to write fortune cookies. I wouldn't write fortunes, but I'd have fun.
Then he started telling me about how a friend of his (that I knew, but I haven't talked to him in a long time) had an idea for a fun one. “Help, I’m trapped at the Fortune Cookie Factory.” I gave a polite laugh, but because I came up with the same joke in an earlier version of the Sabrot, I didn’t find it funny anymore. Then I told him another one I had for the Sabrot, “You broke my house.” He laughed and tried to think of another one. He asked another friend at the next table if he remembered any more and it turns out that he had mistaken his older friend for me. He told me my own joke.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Show me

There have been times when I have told people about who Jesus is and
how He wants everybody to trust Him, and I've asked (and have been
asked before I trusted God) what it would take for you to believe. They
have said that they would need Jesus Himself to show up in the flesh
and tell them who He is. (I don't think I ever answered the question. I
was good at weaseling out of things like that.) And I'm certain that if
that were true, Jesus Himself would show up in an instant. It seems
like such a small task for Him. But then I thought some more and Jesus
did show himself to many and they did not believe. And knowing Jesus'
heart (since I study His Word and have long conversations with Him
Himself), I know that He wants everyone to believe and would show
Himself if that was all it was going to take. But he doesn't come back
in the flesh for two reasons. 1) because those who say they need to see
Him and touch Him to believe are liars, and will still not trust Jesus
even if He stood before them as a man before a man. And 2) He will show
Himself in the flesh one day and that day has not yet come. He is
waiting until the time is right.
But a note on people who say they will believe if God does this or
that. What makes you think that you are in a position to have God meet
you on your terms? He is God. You are not. He wants you, but you need
Him. Meet Him on His, they are more than fair.

God's terms:
Admit that you are evil. (This is just admitting the truth)
Admit that you are helpless. (So is this)
God sent Jesus (His only Son) to live on this earth and die on the
cross so that we would be made perfect and restored to the relationship
with God that we were created for.
Say this with your mouth and believe it with your heart.
Ask Jesus to be Lord of Your life
and mean it.

This will save you. The rest is about growing that relationship. And
that is a beautiful thing. Let me know if you want to know more.

God is good

I just wanted to tell you that God is good... that's it.

Two types of Christians

I was just thinking about the different types of Christians. There are those who are all out for Christ. These people, of whom I would like to be counted, are those who desire to trust God completely with everything they are and have. This is a scary thought for everyone else, to trust your life and death to a God you can't see or touch. But to one who believes, it is a comforting thought; to lie at peace within the folds of the robes of the one who created the universe with a Word, who holds it together and still spends every waking moment of our lives deepening this never ending relationship with Him.
The other kind of Christian only wants God to be in his life partly. This guy really isn't Christian at all (sorry if it offends, but truth hurts). He only wants God because of what he can get, and if God tells him to do something that goes against what he wants, he won't listen. He does not belong to God. He is trying to make God belong to him. My God is mine, like a wife's husband is her. She does not only have him to do stuff for her when shewants it, but she is committed to him fully. (One reason I hate divorce in this country is because the commonality of it is destroying the perfect image God gave us in marriage of what love should be like. Next thing you know, it will be common to kill our children so as to destroy the relationship model of father and son... oh wait, we have abortion.)
I can't think of another type of Christian. Mostly just these two catagories. Either the person desires to please God or desires to have God please him. He doesn't have to be perfect to be in the first group. He just has to desire perfection. Perfection is not an unattainable goal. Read the Bible to find out what I mean. (I'm thinking of Philippians.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Jehovah's Witnesses

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door this morning. They asked,
"With all the different religions out there, what do you think is
true?" I gave them the Gospel. They asked to show me something in the
Bible and I told them I had to get to work. (Which I did, and I left
for work before they left the complex so they saw that I wasn't just
trying to avoid them.) They said that they'd come back and I don't want
to brush them off like I did this morning. I didn't want to this
morning, either. I want to give them the reason for my faith and tell
them who God really is. And who Jesus really is. Please pray for me so
that when they come back, God will speak through me. I am sure He has a
lot to say to those who go around as false witnesses of Him and I
wouldn't mind if He used me to say it. I do want to protect my roommate
who may or may not be strong enough with the Lord to be in these
conversations. I know when they came last time, I was not. But that was
five years ago. I've learned so much more and have seen God worked more
and can be a better witness of Jesus that I was then. Please pray that
I'm a better witness for Jesus, than they are for Jehovah. (I don't
want to argue with them over small things like being friends with
animals when the world is like eden again or the correct pronunciation
of the name of God. I want to only say what God says. PLease pray for

Question from God

So one day, as man walks with God. God asked man a question. "What is
it that you want?"

"What do I want?" asks man, "I want a wife and children. I want to be
loved and adored by them. I want to provide for their needs and fill
their every desire. I want them to grow up without fear because I
want to protect them, and never worry, because I want to be there for
them always. I want a perfect and peaceful life for the rest of my days.

"Interesting," says God. "So do I."

Then the man asks, "so we're he same, You and me?"

"No," replies God, " we are not the same."

"How are we different?" asks the man.

"The difference," God says, "is what we think that dream is worth."

The man was ashamed, because he knew that even though he didn't have
one, he would not be able to sacrifice his son as God did.

Sunday, September 25, 2005


I took a walk today. It turned into a car ride and a moive.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Marriage and a bunch of other stuff

I was just reading a blog by one of my friends about marriage. She referenced an article from an ezine and its response. (Look at all the fancy web lingo I'm using. I feel so savvy. (Sorry, a bit of my roommate's personality is seeping in.)) I would agree that marriage is something that God has planned for us, and I personally believe that most people (not everyone) who are not planning on getting married... I had a statement here, but Mike Larson just came in and we talked for a while and watched Rita decide to turn towards Louisiana instead of Texas, so I'll take a break from marriage (more like a temporary separation) to discuss (tell you what I think. I can't discuss on my own) something else. I was eating at Farmer's Market last night on the curb behind my church's both when this woman with an old roll-along suitcase asked me if I went to the Bible College. It took me a moment to realize she was talking to me, with the noise of the market and the fact that she wasn't speaking loud nor looking at me. She asked again and I said that I wasn't. I had taken a Hebrew class a few years ago. She started talking about how people say they're Christians, but they can't just believe in Jesus, they have to live like Jesus. As odd as I feel about correcting someone (anyone) who could be thirty years older than I, I couldn't let this one go. I told her that all we have to do to be saved is believe. God will change us so that we will live like Jesus, but it is not a requirement. (What kind of world would that be if that were true? We'd get the select diluted few who think they could attain it and hold contempt for the masses who knew they couldn't so wouldn't try... Sounds a bit like life in this world without Christ. There are those who try and be righteous on they're own merit and those who don' t care enough to try because they think they could never be, that God asks too much. (How long of a blog am I going to write tonight?) But look up Genesis 15:6. I dare you. (One of the first I memorized.)) She asked me if I memorized the Bible, and I told her I didn't have that kind of mind, but God teaches me from it and I understand the message. She had a problem with this. She said that God doesn't teach it, but lets us figure it out on our own. I strongly (with big muscular arms if I had them) disagree with this. And I told her so. I said that if God didn't teach it, then only the intelligent have a chance, and God loves everyone. The Bible says so. She shook her head as if I just told her the square root of pi was something other than what it actually is... a slice? I don't really know. I know that the square root of -1 is i. And that stands for... well... imaginary. We made it up. Well... not me. I didn't get that memo. Someone who probably would have told me that creativity is a waste of time probably made up the number i, which isn't a number, nor is it on topic. So the woman, I never found out her name, said that God doesn't love anyone. That's why there are the hurricanes in the South, because God isn't there. I told her that the hurricanes are a wake-up call. She said that they were to punish the prostitutes. (I'm not sure if I spelled that correctly, but I'm okay with being ignorant about that particular word.) She said that you can't love a prostitute. I told her, "Yes you can." Not that I had any particular prostitute in mind, but then I said that God does and I started naming the ones I knew from the Bible. I mentioned Rehab and the one God told Jeremiah to marry (it's actually Josiah, or Hosea or someone else but I am always getting the names mixed up), and that woman that the Pharisee's threw at Jesus' feet. (A few more I didn't think to mention are Judah's daughter and law and Brian Plunkett said that Mary Magdaline was the one that poured oil on Jesus' head and the entire nation of Israel was called a prostitute by God Himself. (on a side note, both Judah's daughter and law and Rehab are Great to the x power Grandmothers to Jesus.) (Also, I don't go about studying prostitutes in the Bible. It just so happens that God is bringing them to my memory.)) She mentioned a prostitute named Miriam, who I didn't know about that loved God, but God turned his back on. I asked Brian Plunkett if he knew who she was and he didn't know either. I told her that I didn't think that story was in there, and she said it was in the Catholic Bible. I don't know about that either, but I've never read the Apocrypha... Catholic Bible so I can't say for sure. Anyway, she wasn't going to listen to whatever I said and probably wrote me off as some young kid who didn't know what God was all about. I told her that I do know God. But she walked off as I called after her that she could too. This is sad. (Both the music that just came on as I type this and the life of this poor old woman.)
I believe what I said about the hurricane. That it is a wake-up call. Even our best engineering (we moved the Mississippi so that New Orleans could flourish as a port city. Naturally, the river changed it's course about every six years... It think. Also, we try to build levees to keep out the Gulf of Mexico from a city 8 feet below sea-level and Katrina just blew them over. We rebuild and Rita whomps them again.) has not kept out what God has spoken. Now I'm not saying that God is pronouncing judgment on New Orleans. Because as close as close to Sodam and Gorremah as it may be, He would spare it if He found even ten righteous. Even for the sake of one. He didn't bring down fire from above either, he brought something we watched move slowly from the Atlantic, over Florida, through the Gulf towards Louisiana. There were no surprises here, except the realization of how vulnerable we are. Consider us woken.
Okay, back to marriage. I'm not married, and I soon hope to be. I read the articles (or rather had them read to me by my cool computer) and I agree with most of it. That women are seeking later marriages because they want to do something important with their lives first, so they can feel special or something or like they have contributed to society. Never have I understood the verse in the Bible more (That women will be kept safe through childbearing) than I have tonight, and after I get back from the bathroom, I'll begin to explain... Unless I think of something else to address while I'm in there... you know, like a letter or something... like V. (if you don't understand, don't worry. It's not important. Just wait a little bit.)

Okay, all refreshed... Well, I've been convicted on following the Word of God (Bible) for quite a few years now (more exact, the years that I've been Christian) and one time I read about what the Bible says about the roles of women, especially of those in authority. 1 Timothy 2:11-15 says, "Women should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or have authority over a man. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be kept safe through childbirth, if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety."
First of all, if you become upset or angry at a piece of scripture, you have bigger problems than what that particular scripture is talking about. You are upset or angry because there is a rift in your relationship with God. If your relationship with God was really as good as you say it is, you would learn in quietness and full submission. You would say, Yes, Lord. to anything that God told you, no matter what current culture and society says, no matter how much you understand, no matter how wrong you think it is, the fact that God says it should be enough. If you are not at this point, arguing over this point is of no use (God also says not to argue, or complain.) You should reread the Gospels and start over, building your relationship on the solid foundation of Jesus Christ and what He gave for you on the cross. Just as a broke marriage needs to go back to the beginning, to the decision of spending your lives together, to the moment of saying yes to the proposal, and build again from there, with the truth that you've both promised to the wedding where you declared publicly your lives as one and up to where it fell apart. Go back and be romantic. Chase and be chased. Pursue and be pursued. Divorce is not an answer, and no matter how you think you failed God, He will never never never divorce you.
I'm not going to expand on women's roles in ministry tonight, but I will take the time to write about marriage in relation to me. I am not married, in case you forgot when I said it last time, pages ago, or thought that in the time it took me to write this, that a beautiful woman leapt into my arms while I was on my way back from the bathroom and we tied the knot... with my shoelace so I wouldn't trip. I want to be married. Maybe not tonight, but I don't want to wait until I'm a few decades earlier. I like how the ezine took a stand on saying that God wants people to get married. He does. How else do you expect Him to relate the love He has for us if not through marriage and children? Those are His greatest examples of His love and we willingly resist them as if they were an illness. I was going to say the plague, but no one really fled from the plague because they didn't know what caused it. Marriage is one of God's greatest gifts and I'm repeating myself for both emphasis and because it's past two in the morning and I've been going to work early this week and I'm tired. (I'm not complaining, just explaining.) So who do we think we are? We who say, I'm not going to take that lesson from You, God. I know enough to keep me happy. We don't. There is always more that we want than what we have. We worry about keeping what we have, or about losing it. We worry. Worry is the absence of trust. Fear is the absence love, just as darkness is the absence of light, and hell is the absence of God. That's why this world isn't hell. Because God's still here. Loving you, loving me. And as long as I walk on this Earth, He will be here. Not because I command Him, but because He has promised that He will never depart from me. You who know me, you know that calm familiar warm sense of comfort you feel when I'm there? It's God, not me. Those of you who are not walking with the Lord, you know that awkward scolded caught stealing feeling you get when I'm there? That's Him, not me.
I can't wait until I'm married. But I'll have to, because I'm not. I dream about having kids and a wife to share them with. I think ahead to the future, when my fingers curl around another's hand, and a head rests on shoulder. I pray that I'll be able to work hard enough that my wife, whoever she is, won't have to work, and even if that means we have to be poor, she won't work and she'll spend her time ministering and caring for others. I pray for God to give her a free schedule so that she never feels busy or overwhelmed and she would live life as if it were in slow-motion, always making time for everyone of her needs. I pray that I would love her the way I'm supposed to and that I would be a good leader for her and the family to follow. I pray that I handle her submission with gentleness without exuding superiority, but instead I would look at her submission everyday and be reminded to submit myself the same way to God.
I don't care what society says about strong women. I want one who is strong in Christ and will give up everything she has worked for for the gifts that God has laid about her. I'm in love with this dream girl and I'm waiting for God to show me who she is so that I can pursue her, because I know that I have to, and in that area, I pray for courage, because all my pursuits, if you will call them that, up to this point would have not beaten neither the turtle nor the hare in a foot race. And if I have to be single for the rest of my life waiting, I would rather do that then be any less of a man to my wife than what God has called me to.
So how old should you be when you get married? The answer is easy. Old enough to base your marriage on Christ and not emotion, and young enough to live like a child of God with whomever God gives us. This is a long blog, and if you've gotten this far, I would like to offer you a popsicle. I don't have any popsicles, but if I did, I would offer them to you.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I'm sorry, I'm tired.

I'm trying to get home earlier so I can do this before one in the morning so I can get up early to get to work. As of now, I don't get as mush sleep as I like. So, in interst of me, I'm going to go to bed now and write down more stuff tomorrow... I hope.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


I worked today, I ate lunch and worked some more. Then I had dinner and came home to relax. I watched a movie. Isn't my life exciting? I actually left out the fact that I had three conversations with three good friends and God's been spinning my head so much, I don't know what to write down. Maybe I'll write it tomorrow. As for now... sleep is good. Dot Com. (If you don't get it, don't worry. It's not that funny)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The First Day of School

Today is the first day of Cal Poly, but I don't really care. I don't go there anymore. I've graduated and moved on to bigger and better things. Well... different more agreeable things anyway. Actually I spent today talking like a pirate. My place of employment (job for those of you who never went to college (I shouldn't insult my readers (if I have any) (I'm sorry. This is suppsoed to be a serious blog.))) (I like parenthesis.) So I was thinking today about how there are two types of wisdom that I have to draw from. I don't always draw from one of the two, and I think that wisdom doesn't come with age. Disapline does. Because even though I have the ability to make wise decisions, I don't always have the discipline. The two types of wisdom I've noticed (and first noticed in other people before I did in myself (but that's probably because I don't pay as much attention to what I say as I do to what others say. (This reminds me of another point I have (I hope, if anyone is reading this, tht you are laughing now, and not annoyed))).
The two types of wisdom that I've noticed are Biblical Wisdom (what the Bible teaches and what you would get spirtually from God, which is always also in the Bible (even though you may not have read it.)) and Earthly Wisdom (what makes sense and sounds good, usually aquired through experience and/or meditation on a particular subject (philosophy.)) Both of these forms can give advice. I've often searched through Biblical Wisdom to help someone who is struggling with truth, and use Earthly Wisdom to help someone who's struggling with the world (like jobs and money and school and other stuff like that.) What God showed me today is that Biblical Wisdom covers both, and Earthly Wisdom can be wrong. Both Biblical and Earthy Wisdom tell (not suggest) how things are. Not could be or should be, but are. Biblical Wisdom we believe because we have faith in the Bible and trust God. Earthy Wisdom depends not on God but our experiences, and just becasue something worked for me once, doesn't mean that it will work for anyone else, or for me in the future for that matter. But God is never changing.
As I learn more about the Bible, I can lean more on Biblical Wisdom and discard Earthly Wisdom. Then my experiences won't be evident on how smart or stupid I was once, but instead on how God has shown Himself strong in my past. The crutch is that I would want to keep my Earthly Wisdom until I feel that my Biblical Wisdom is strong enough to do so, but I know tht that is just pride. That has an "a" in it. I don't want to be prideful anymore, but to see clearly, as God sees. If anyone knows me, and I try and give you advise. Feel free to ask me if what I'm saying is from my own "wisdom" or from God. Keep me accountable.

Okay, so second point. People (and I count as people) like to emphasize what they say by using words that communicate a stonger sense that what is true. This is fine if one wants to emphasize a certain point, but if one tries to emphasize everything one says, nothing stands out. The first thing I've noticed is the word need. Everyone needs everything. I need some alone time right now. I need to eat pizza tonight. I need those sunglasses. I just have to get out of here. It doesn't all seem as necessary as people say. You will live if you don't get what you are saying you need. You want that. You don't need that. Another thing I noticed is that people will decide that certain things have to happen in order to get what they want. Phrases that start off with, "The only way is..." and "It can only happen if..." really annoy me. I honestly don't want to listen to whatever coems after those words. I know that Jesus is the only wayt for us to be with God, but beyond that, I think that there may be ways for you to get what you want that you haven't thought of. The world's a big place and God is bigger. Just because you only see one way doesn't mean that God doens't ahve a narrow gate all planned out for you. You need (and this is the proper usage of need) to keep your eyes on God if you want to follow Him. He may not always go where you think He will. He is not bound by your intelligence. Furthermore, saying you need something when you don't and saying that something has to happen a certain way (unless the Bible says it does) is lying. And when you lie like that, you are not lying (not well anyway) to those who you are talking to, but to yourself. And when you say that someone else needs this in his or her life to change his or her situation. You don't know that. That person might someday wake up from as if from a bad dream and decide that things need to change and look to God for it. You don't know. We are God's helper. He is not ours. He tells us what to do, we do it. The Holy Spirit is our helper, but He doesn't help us do things. He helps us listen to the instruction from the Father and He prays on our behalf. You don't know what God's going to do and saying that something has to happen is limiting your view on God and you start to believe that God doesn't have as much power or intelligence as He does. And just so you know. The "you" in this blog is not referring to the reader (if there is one). This is addressed to me. But if you (the reader) learned something from this, then praise God. I already am.

Okay, and one more thing (I think). I was just watching the movie Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and the fights between the older lady and the young girl made me think of an old Christian (one who has walked with the Lord a while) and a young Christian (one who is in the "first feelings" stage of his relationship with the Lord). The young Christian may think himself more talented and intelligent than the older one, and may think himself a better Christian becaue of it. He can do things that the other can't. Move faster, harder, longer. Serve in the church mroe hours a day or a week or so forth, but the older Christian is stronger and more steadfast. It comes to ability verses discipline. The older has years of practice and has hardened to those easy temptations that can get a young Christian down. The older Christian doens't want to fight the younger one, but does because he knows that letting the young one fly off the handle when he could step in is not right for his role as an older Christian. The young one wants to do things his own way and serve God in his own way. Being an individual Christian is not good for the body. I, as the younger Christian, should look up tomy elders in Christ with more respect and attempt to learn more from them instead of trying to battle them in words and verses.

Okay, that's it for the first day of school. Please go home and think about what we learned today. Tomorrow is show and tell. Bring something interesting.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005