Saturday, October 04, 2008

The Hard Rock Candy Mountain

So I was reading a fake book about Hard Rock Candy Mountain. It wasn't really about it, but about a made up version of a song that merely resembles the Hard Rock Candy Mountain song. It's not a very good book, and I'm almost done with it... stupid long appendixes.

Anyway, it got me thinking that if I ever made an RPG game, I would have wanderers all throughout the game searching for the Mystical Hard Rock Candy Mountain, which would be like a kind of Willy Wonka Factory, where everything is edible... and candy. Here would be the back story for the wanderers (which would just be a minor subplot or even side plot in the game)

You: Why hello there good citizen of . I'm talking to you, but seemingly asking no question or doing anything to illicit information from you other than pressing the buton 't' on my keyboard. Yet, people always share their infomration with me anyways, as if I cared.
Wanderer: I'm looking for the Hard Rock Candy Mountain, have you seen it?
You: No I havne't. Is it near ?
Wanderer: I don't know where it is. If I did, I wouldn't have asked, would I?
You: Well.. no, I suppose not... I didn't think of that...
Wanderer: And if you had been there, you wouldn't have wanted to leave, so therefore, you wouldn't have met me on this road.
You: Why wouldn't I have wanted to leave? Are there unlimited amounts of dragons there for me to tame, ogs to kill, princesses to rescue, and towns wehre I can trade my wares?
Wanderer: No, there's just candy.
You: Candy?
Wanderer: Lots and lots of candy!!! Everything is made up of candy!!!! You can eat everything!!!!! Trees, dirt, rivers, rocks, houses, grass, bushes, everything!!!!!!
You: I see... ::You hand him a hankercheif to wipe the drool away:: and I wouldn't want to leave becasue I would be...
Wanderer: EATING CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You: So no one has ever left?
Wanderer: Why would anyone want to?
You: Well, I'm just wondering how you knew about it if no one ever left.
Wanderer: I heard from this other wanderer when I was a kid. He came through my town and told me about it. I wanted to go, but my mom wouldn't let me. She called it a foolish fantasy, but I showed her. I left anyways.
You: But you haven't found it yet.
Wanderer: I wouldn't be talking to you if I had.
You: So you didn't really show her anything. In fact, you did the opposite of showing her anything by disappearing.
Wanderer: What's your point?
You: How do you know that the other wanderer wasn't lying?
Wanderer: He has been looking for it since he was a kid too. He listed off a bunch of places where he had looked and it wasn't. I memorized them and I looked in these places and it's not there either.
You: Can't you just look on a map?
Wanderer: My map doesn't get filled in unless I've been there.
You: Neither does mine... how does it know?
Wanderer: So now I'm off in this direction, but since you didn't see it, I guess I should go adifferent way.
You: But I still don't understand how you know the other wanderer wasn't lying. Or, if he was telling what he thought was the truth, that he wasn't lied too by another wanderer. If no one ever leaves, then how does anyone who isn't there know about it?
Wanderer: Well, that's the reason this one guy Throthendore left. He decided that other people should know about it too and went to tell the world.
You: What happened to him?
Wanderer: No one believed him becasue he had lost all his teeth, but that just proves that it's real! and as the information was passed around, the directions got kinda muddled.
You: There are directions?
Wanderer: Well... kinda...
To Get to Hard Rock Candy Mountain
Go east until you hit a fork
When you come to some foothills
Go up unless you're a dork
At the top of the foothills,
you'll see three tall peaks
Climb to the top of the highest one
And unless your eyes are weak
Gaze to the north, south, east and west
And search the horizon your very best
The frosting capped peak is the wain
To the Hard ROck Candy Mountain
You: The end doesn't rhyme
Wanderer: He's a toothless old man, not Shakespeare.
You: So you have the directions.
Wanderer: But not where to start, or which way to go when I hit the fork
You: Sounds like a cunumdrum
Wanderer: Tis my life
You: So what if you get there and everyone else who got there before you eats it all?
Wanderer: Don't be silly, you can't eat a whole mountain.
You: How much can you eat?
Wanderer: I... I... I should get going. Do you want to help me look?
You: No. I think that a mountain made out of candy is a stupid idea and only idiots will believe it, and I have better things to do like kill creatures roaming the woods and plundering their quickly decaying carcusses for gold, armour, and swords so I can tell all my friends that I have cooler stuff then they do and they will be jealous of me, even though I spend hours and hours of my day doing nothing that will profit me in life.
Wanderer: Well... where are you going?
You: I am headed to
Wanderer: Cool, I'll go with you.
You: Fine, do you know how to equip and use a sword?
Wanderer: Doesn't everyone?
You: You'd be surprised.

And sometime in your quest, you would run across the old toothless wanderer who admitted it as a lie to try and start his own religion, but then even later in your quest, you will find the real hard Rock Candy Mountain, which just happens to exist just as described, but it is tortureous. Everyone there is old, feeble, and toothless, licking everything trying to get high on suger, but it no longer works. The ones who get too tired to lick anymore die from sugar withdrawals and a don't do drugs screen flashes up for merely a second. The Wanderer who is your companion wants to partake, but by now, you like him and try to hold him back, calling him Gary instead of wanderer since that is his name. Once convinced that the Hard Rock Candy Mountain will never satisfy, he joins your quest as a changed man, also looking for cool armor and weapons. The two of you travel back to the toothless old man to reveal the truth behind the Hard Rock Candy Mountain and give him directions so he can see for himself. Even later in your quest, you run across him again, and he is going around gathering kids and building himself a cult army and you and Gary have to stop him before he takes over the world on the promise of candy.

You know how you get an idea in your head and you just have to follow it until it runs it's course and you never think of it again?

Well... I'm done now

1 comment:

cas andersen said...

the song is actually called "BIG rock candy mountain,"....genuis song, by the way

in the big rock candy mountains
there's a land thats fair and bright
where the handouts grow on bushes
and you sleep out every night

where the boxcars all are empty
and the sun shines everyday
on the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees
the lemonade springs where the blue bird sings
in the big rock candy mountains