Sunday, February 14, 2010

Brain Dump

I often liken my walk with God to that of a fire. When I first came to the Lord, it was like a new fire. All I was burning were twigs and leaves. It burned fast and hot and felt great. After a while, it started to burn out and God put on a bigger log. That almost smothered the fire and it seemed like it was going to go out until that log caught on. I don't know if I ever burned as bright as before, but that log lasted a lot longer. The heat was more reliable, and the fire was useful as a fire and not just flash. Every once in a while, I feel like God's adding logs. For the past few weeks, it's felt that way. I feel almost smothered by what I'm doing sometimes, but I know that it's all good and for the glory of God. I just need to keep going until the new log catches.

The battle comes down to my night times. Sometimes I am so tired, I just want to sleep, but I can't because I'm really hungry, but by the time I cook and eat, it's hours later and I'm not going to get a lot of sleep anyway, so I debate whether to get a couple hours or just stay up al night. But that was last week... and tonight. I've also had some battles in my mind and heart. Some things which I thought were already decided. I'm starting to understand... the key word is starting... a difference between intellect and feelings and emotions and something CS Lewis calls intuition... more of what I'm understanding is that there is a difference. I've read Tozer's The Pursuit of God and am currently reading Lewis' Weight of Glory and they both talk of a Spiritual world as real as the physical one we live in but just beyond our perception. I don't want to get distracted from the Gospel of God and the teachings of Jesus by focusing on the Spiritual World, but it does exist. I am trying to tap into it. I know I'm not going to completely understand it, but that won't stop me by trying. There is more. There is always more.

It is not enough to simply have enough. We think that will make us happy. It's a lie. Those who have will always want more. Ask a millionaire how much money is enough. Ask a quarterback how many touchdowns is enough. It's always, "just one more." So, the question is, "Is God enough?" I say no. God is more than enough. If He just saved me, that would be more than I deserve, but then He calls me a son. He calls me a friend. He prepares for me a place in heaven and The Holy Spirit Resides in me, and that is more. Much more than I deserve, but is that enough? Do I not pray asking for more? I ask for Hs provision for this life, for my different moods and desires. I ask Him to fulfill them or take them away, and He's said no before. He chooses option C, which I didn't give, but He would rather I have the desires and choose Him over them than to take them away or fulfill them. He always give me more, and I always ask for more. Am I never satisfied? Not only is the promise of the next world good enough, but I want to be comfortable in the one I'm in.

But whether you count this as a dry time or valley time or anything of the like, God is still faithful. His gifts do not depend on my feelings or intellect. As I feel like those are breaking down, He still speaks through me and to me when I teach. I don't have to fear that I will get up in front of people and have nothing to say. I don't have to depend on my intellect to interpret Scripture because I never did that in the first place. It's like I'm not doing anything but decoding a secret message and the Holy Spirit is my decoder ring.

I know I'm all over the place tonight, but I'm a bit scatter-brained. I use analogies to explain what's going on because that's how we relate something unknown. We make it like something we already know. Jesus did that in His parables. Philosophers and teachers do it. We make connections in the brain. I had a dream once that I was in a car, and I was driving by a church, but I had a second sight and that second sight showed me a hospital. People were going into the church sick and coming out well. I think we need analogies to understand the Spiritual world. Even the term second sight doesn't adequately describe what I saw. I'm searching the Bible as to get some guidelines for these thoughts. I'm having a hard time finding them. So as for now, these are mere musings in my mind. Until God makes it clear and confirms it in His Word, don't take it as truth. Just pray for me. I can use it.

1 comment:

Diane said...

i will pray for you. i've been thinking about your new ministry and hoping it's going well. whatever is going on in your life right now, i know it will be a blessing