Thursday, May 20, 2010


I need to re-evaluate my friendships. There's a reason I don't trust feelings. There are many reasons. Those reasons are called friends. I'm not saying that I have bad friends. I have good friends. I have great friends. But the Bible says this in Luke 14:12-14
Then He also said to him who invited Him, "When you give a dinner or a supper, do not ask your friends, your brothers, your relatives, nor rich neighbors, lest they also invite you back, and you be repaid. But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you; for you shall be repaid at the resurrection of the just."

Why am I friends with my friends? Do they make me feel good? What do I want from them? Am I only friends with them because I'd be lonely otherwise? Am I only friends with them because of what I could get?

This is the struggle inside me. Am I loved? If I am loved, is it because I'm important to a common cause? Do people only love me because of what I would or could do for them? Are they just using me? Of course, I ask the same questions of myself. Am I just using them? If anyone does read this, please refrain from giving a quick word of affirmation. I'm not writing this to ask for quick easy comments that tell me I matter. I'm not crying as I write this, my emotions are well under my control. I don't want you to worry for me. I'm just trying to grasp a concept and I do not feel I have yet taken a hold of it. As far as feelings go, I do feel used quite regularly. I feel popular because people want things from me. I do enjoy helping people. Putting my hands to work helps me not focus on myself. But people ask me how I'm doing, and my quick response is fine. I always answer fine or good because at that moment, I'm okay. I haven't thought about how I'm really doing. I'm not making sense. This isn't a complete thought. If you are lost or bored, just skip to the end. Hopefully, I'll figure it out by then and give a summery. I need this rambling sometimes to process. It takes several minutes of silence for me to open up. I once had a friend who was upset with me because she shared with me and I hardly ever talked about me. She accused me of things that weren't true. She just didn't know this about me. I don't think I did either. I know I'm not perfect. I catch myself comparing myself to others a lot. I bring this to God as if it had any merit and complain. I'm a sinner. Of course I know God's answer. "It rains on the just and unjust. Is it not lawful for me to do what I wish with my own things?" I complain about what's fair and it's my turn and I have no grounds except that I really am selfish. I have not because I asked amiss so that I may spend it on my own lusts. Why can't I be happy with salvation? Isn't that enough? It should be. It is. I do matter. I do. I matter to the God of this universe so much that He died for me so that I could live. He sent His Holy Spirit to live within me and He prays for me to the Father constantly. Even now. I don't doubt my salvation, but I'm working it out with fear and trembling. I am clay in the potters hand and He is reshaping me as it seems good to Him. I do and don't need friends. I don't need them for salvation. God is my salvation. He's my all in all. I do need them to remind me of that fact. I need them to let me down. I need them to mess up. I need them to teach me patience and forgiveness. Each one is doing what seems right to him or her. I would not / could not ask a friend to choose to please me over what he or she thought was right. That would be wrong. I need to realize that I'm not number one on anyone's priority list. I'm not even number two or in the top ten. I shouldn't need to be. I don't need to be. I need to be last. I need to be okay with being last. I'm too important to me. I need to be a servant to all. A servant has no rights and is only given what he needs to serve. So my ego took a hit, but the fact that I could feel my ego taking a hit means that I still got one. I wish I could get rid of it. Do you think I could sell it on eBay? I don't know about you, but feeling sorry for myself always makes me tired. I should really stop. (And don't go feeling sorry for me either. I don't need encouragement in the wrong direction. If you really want to help, pray for me without telling me.)

Summary I feel that people only like me for what I can do for them. But I know God loves me because He died for me and there is nothing that I did for Him or could do for Him that would be worth the price He paid. I am a sinner, and I don't deserve to live. I asked to be a servant in my Father's house, but He has made me a son. I need to shed my ego (pride) and live a life of praise that I am forgiven and not feel sorry for myself. Comparing my life to the lives of others is not helping my relationship with Christ. Please pray for me.


Anonymous said...


J said...

I recently (a year ago) completed a study of Matthew and was struck by how much Jesus wants us to look past the temporary, the physical, the present, the here and now. Intents of the heart, desires of the heart, motivations of the heart--these are what matter. Jesus seems to be nudging us toward a life lived on the spiritual plane...but the earthly plane is soooo everywhere--it surrounds. So much about life pits itself against the spiritual. This issue of friendship (like all issues we face or contemplate)takes on a differnt hue when looked at through our spiritual lenses. And I agree, much of what I do (deeds, activities, friendships, kindnesses, work) is based primarily on "WIIFM". WIIFM: money, pleasure, happiness, pride. If I REALLY honestly consider my motiviations I am sickened and saddened by my sin and disgustingness--especially when viwed in any kind of eternal light.
As I seek out my Lord in His Word, though, I am thankful to see His love for me; and hopeful in His promises of help and strength and life-changing power through His Spirit. I think there is proof of the Spirit at work when I first found myself even considering the deeper issues of the spirit. I can think back to not too long ago when my life was lived on cruise-control--never slowing to pause for anything that was not in my own best fleshly interests.
But there is so far to go and I truly long for the coming Life where time/money/and all the physical stuff will become non-existent----replaced by the perfection of being with Jesus. In the meantime, He has placed me here and I trust Him, His plan, and His care.