Then He also said to him who invited Him, "When you give a dinner or a supper, do not ask your friends, your brothers, your relatives, nor rich neighbors, lest they also invite you back, and you be repaid. But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you; for you shall be repaid at the resurrection of the just."
Why am I friends with my friends? Do they make me feel good? What do I want from them? Am I only friends with them because I'd be lonely otherwise? Am I only friends with them because of what I could get?
This is the struggle inside me. Am I loved? If I am loved, is it because I'm important to a common cause? Do people only love me because of what I would or could do for them? Are they just using me? Of course, I ask the same questions of myself. Am I just using them? If anyone does read this, please refrain from giving a quick word of affirmation. I'm not writing this to ask for quick easy comments that tell me I matter. I'm not crying as I write this, my emotions are well under my control. I don't want you to worry for me. I'm just trying to grasp a concept and I do not feel I have yet taken a hold of it. As far as feelings go, I do feel used quite regularly. I feel popular because people want things from me. I do enjoy helping people. Putting my hands to work helps me not focus on myself. But people ask me how I'm doing, and my quick response is fine. I always answer fine or good because at that moment, I'm okay. I haven't thought about how I'm really doing. I'm not making sense. This isn't a complete thought. If you are lost or bored, just skip to the end. Hopefully, I'll figure it out by then and give a summery. I need this rambling sometimes to process. It takes several minutes of silence for me to open up. I once had a friend who was upset with me because she shared with me and I hardly ever talked about me. She accused me of things that weren't true. She just didn't know this about me. I don't think I did either. I know I'm not perfect. I catch myself comparing myself to others a lot. I bring this to God as if it had any merit and complain. I'm a sinner. Of course I know God's answer. "It rains on the just and unjust. Is it not lawful for me to do what I wish with my own things?" I complain about what's fair and it's my turn and I have no grounds except that I really am selfish. I have not because I asked amiss so that I may spend it on my own lusts. Why can't I be happy with salvation? Isn't that enough? It should be. It is. I do matter. I do. I matter to the God of this universe so much that He died for me so that I could live. He sent His Holy Spirit to live within me and He prays for me to the Father constantly. Even now. I don't doubt my salvation, but I'm working it out with fear and trembling. I am clay in the potters hand and He is reshaping me as it seems good to Him. I do and don't need friends. I don't need them for salvation. God is my salvation. He's my all in all. I do need them to remind me of that fact. I need them to let me down. I need them to mess up. I need them to teach me patience and forgiveness. Each one is doing what seems right to him or her. I would not / could not ask a friend to choose to please me over what he or she thought was right. That would be wrong. I need to realize that I'm not number one on anyone's priority list. I'm not even number two or in the top ten. I shouldn't need to be. I don't need to be. I need to be last. I need to be okay with being last. I'm too important to me. I need to be a servant to all. A servant has no rights and is only given what he needs to serve. So my ego took a hit, but the fact that I could feel my ego taking a hit means that I still got one. I wish I could get rid of it. Do you think I could sell it on eBay? I don't know about you, but feeling sorry for myself always makes me tired. I should really stop. (And don't go feeling sorry for me either. I don't need encouragement in the wrong direction. If you really want to help, pray for me without telling me.)
Summary I feel that people only like me for what I can do for them. But I know God loves me because He died for me and there is nothing that I did for Him or could do for Him that would be worth the price He paid. I am a sinner, and I don't deserve to live. I asked to be a servant in my Father's house, but He has made me a son. I need to shed my ego (pride) and live a life of praise that I am forgiven and not feel sorry for myself. Comparing my life to the lives of others is not helping my relationship with Christ. Please pray for me.