Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Second Class Please

I don't know how to write. It's as if I'd been crushed under a car and it has been removed. However, as painful as the car was, now the fresh moving air hurts as it blows over my wounded body. I feel exposed. Vulnerable.

I've been accused of a lot of things. I think most of them are true.

I do build a wall between me and women.
I don't know when to come out from behind it. (I do know when I shouldn't sometimes.)
I do treat myself as a second class citizen. (I'm not convinced that I shouldn't)
I don't believe I deserve to be happy. (That doesn't mean I'm not)
I don't believe I'm worth it.

I've been asked (more than once), "Why aren't you married?" My heart answers, "You're just getting to know me. Give it a little while."

Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe. I'm not at a point to make that decision. I do know I'm prideful. I do know that I get annoyed when people younger than me get married for the second time. I think I mess up a lot of chances in my life to get married once, but I don't want to rush into it and marry the wrong woman. But I do want to rush into it and marry the right one. There's nothing about being single that I love so much that I wouldn't give up if God told me to marry. I just want Him to tell me. I guess what it comes down to is that I don't trust me. I don't trust dating. I'm waiting and praying for God to tell me to propose to someone. And I'm also praying that I would have the faith to do it.

I heard someone speak favorably about me tonight. I heard what he said and I knew he was speaking about me, but I felt like he was speaking about someone else. Like it wasn't me. Like I was a fake. And maybe I am. It's irony. I look inside me and all I see is this dirty shell. Others look at me from the outside and see the Holy Spirit living inside me. He didn't describe me as I am, but as I want to be, as I will be.

God will make me perfect, but He's got a lot of work to do to get me there. But He's up for the challenge.

1 comment:

Rogers Camp said...

I hear you! I feel the same way...sad, but unfortunately true. (just not the not being married part).